I’ve been a bit grumpy since I got home from the doctor. OH assumed it was from the speculum prodding, but when I growled at an old man who gave me a funny look, I got asked ‘What is the matter with you anyway?’
I didn’t want to tell him because it was embarrassing. Eventually admitted that a rather nosey middle aged woman outside the doctors surgery had said something that had got my back up. The gem I got from her, as I was smoking a cigarette was ‘You shouldn’t smoke when you’re pregnant’.
This had the quadruple whammy of being OFFENSIVE, JUDGEMENTAL, WRONG and also just plain NONE OF HER DAMN BUSINESS.
I gave her a withering look and informed her that actually, I’m not pregnant, just fat. It will forever irritate me that some people seem to have the idea that women cannot possibly be allowed to be fat unless they are pregnant. I also told her that I have two health conditions which cause my stomach to be bloated, and that comments such as hers didn’t particularly help. I then continued on to say that in fact, it was none of her damn business even if I was pregnant and smoking, because she’s a complete stranger and it has nothing to do with her.
I don’t think people should smoke when they are pregnant. However, being pregnant was a very stressful time physically and emotionally for me, and it would be been quite understandable for me to have a cigarette, which I still didn’t do. I may have the occasional wibble when I see a pregnant woman smoking, but I remind myself of several important facts.
-Firstly, it really is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. It’s not up to me to tell strangers what to do.
-It could be her only cigarette of the day. She could be quitting or cutting down. Maybe she’s decided that one cigarette a day is a good compromise when she’s previously been smoking 40 a day and the one that she has stops her wanting to put peoples head through windows. Both pregnancy and quitting smoking make you want to do those things, combined isn’t going to be much fun.
-I have no idea what stress she’s under, what her life is like, if her pregnancy is easy or if she is suffering. It’s not up to me to judge peoples coping mechanisms.
I would much prefer people didn’t smoke when they are pregnant. However, your lungs filter out most of the toxins as does the placenta, so I’m not going to begrudge someone a cigarette, no matter how many people turn their nose up at this. Women who smoke FREQUENTLY AND REGULARLY are at risk of complications with themselves and a baby. But one cigarette is not frequently or regularly, and you cannot assume this from a chance meeting on the street. Even if you can see someone smoking a lot, maybe sat in the garden of a pub or a club, it still remains none of your damn business (as well as all the other points above).
Above and beyond this, I am amazed and horrified at the absolute GALL of some people. I would never presume to comment in this fashion because my delicate sensibilities were offended by something they were doing, unless it was extremely dangerous/immoral/unsanitary/illegal. I accost people that let their dogs shit on the floor and make no pretence that they are going to clean it up. I take issue with people being violent to each other in public. I get annoyed at people that pee in alleyways or puke in the street when they are drunk.
But people, whether or not YOU like it, a pregnant person still has her own mind, her own personality, her own body and her own choices. She still exercises control over these things and she doesn’t become a walking incubator, subject to the whims, orders and opinions of others when she decides to bear children. Smoking when pregnant is not illegal. So if you see it and get your frown on, remember it’s none of your damn business and walk away.
The only person whose choices you control are yours. Don’t want to smoke when you are pregnant? Fine then, don’t. But you’re not such a special snowflake that you get the deciding vote over what other human beings are allowed to do.
Someone who says something like this obviously has no understanding of how much women’s bodies are policed and controlled or coerced in EVERY way and most especially re: reproduction. Or maybe this person DOES know all this and approves (creepy!).
This reminds me of the fact that in the USA we have a lot of moralistic, “Oh it’s the smoking fatties who are Ruining America”, often from people who happily drive cars (the environment, the waste! The #1 killer of children!) or dialing from their blood phones/computers. In other words, CERTAIN forms of health risk (real or imagined) and behaviors are OK to socially police, but others are a part of our OK list and we can flaunt them because no one gives a sh*t about the risks/implications.
Great piece – thanks!
Oh, I agree, the GALL of some people!
I have heard, anecdotally, that a lot of doctors recommend slow weaning from cigarettes for heavy smokers who are pregnant as suddenly stopping can be very stressful on the feotus (as well as obviously the mother). Not sure what the evidence says about that, but it’s something I’ve thought about often when I’ve felt a bit squicky seeing a pregnant woman smoking: maybe, as you said, it’s her only cigarette. Maybe she’s even following doctor’s orders!
I have never been a smoker, but I was astounded at how heavily policed my body was when pregnant. Ordered a rare steak in a restaurant, only to have it come out well done. Had a waiter automatically remove the wine glass from my place when he saw I was pregnant. Had someone frown at me for ordering a caffienated drink. I considered myself to be pretty conservative about the pregnancy ‘rules’ and still, it wasn’t good enough for the rest of the world who acted like they owned my feotus and its incubator too.
Great post. As Spilt Milk says, it’s a really depressing and worrying shift towards pregnant women treated as nothing more than incubators. Ironic really as there’s never been a safer time in history for a woman to have a baby – in the West at least.
It makes me sick – all this bullying and bossing, especially as approx 500 000 women die every year in childbirth, mainly due to lack of basic hygiene and haemhorrage during birth.
Remembering how bloody hard it was to stop smoking (pre baby/pregnancy) I can only imagine how hard it must be to stop when you are going through the stress of pregnancy.
I mean, nothing made me want to light up faster than stressful situations, and pregnancy is chock full of them. And I bet some twazzock smartarse telling you that you should put your ciggy out would count as a pretty stressful situation!
Great post – I’ve seen people not only be judgmental prats, but say REALLY really hateful shit about women who smoke or DARE to drink during pregnancy (never mind that when you have an amnio they tell you to go home and have a glass of wine to relax the muscles and prevent miscarriage). Like, to the effect that they should be jailed or forcibly sterilized, because smoking and pregnancy are “choices” and if you “choose” one you must give up the other. HEADDESK HEADDESK HEADDESK.
The US has spent millions of dollars on smoking cessation programs and campaigns (as have, I am sure, many other countries). Maybe, just maybe, that’s because quitting smoking is hard, even for people who are strongly motivated…
having smoking while your pregnant?It really bad for the health of the Baby and the mother..
I smoked while I was pregnant and for the first year of my daughter’s life. There was nothing wrong with my health or her’s, but I lost a midwife over it and it ultimately cost me the home birth I was planning. Not because there was anything wrong, mind you, just because. Liabilities and licenses were at stake and I took the fall. I was judged not only by this midwife but the coven of midwives that covered my city. There was a spill-over from this in the hospital as well, where they require you take a drug test if you are a smoking pregnant woman. Only in America would anyone be so myopic about smoking AND birth.
Did you throw your disgusting cigarette on the ground (or ‘floor’ as you call it) – what dog does is none of your business anymore than the smoking issue. Smoking kills a lot more people than dogs! You are a disgusting hypocrite.
Nobody is perfect….NOT even the “best mom ever” and you have no idea about what women go through that lead them to smoke even when pregnant. Unless you have walked a mile in someone else’s shoes then you have no right to judge their lifestyle. And no matter what the people say, ultimately it is up to that one person to make their own decisions and not give a damn what others think!
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Do other womyn have the right to choose for their unborn childryn?